Self in dictionary means “the set of someone’s characteristics, such as personality and ability, which are not physical and make that person different from other people” . Destructive in the same book means “causing, or wanting to cause, damage”. I think that’s the perfect example of me, when something great comes into my way I screw it all up, it’s either I hold on to it so tight that it will hurt me and I would just have to force myself to let go or held on to it so loosely as if I don’t care.
And I’m not just talking about love here it has something to do with work, family and even to myself. And I guess I owe more to myself, I know I can be a good friend, a daughter, a sister, a lover and a person but I just tend to screw it all up. Sometimes I even have dreams that I would be a totally different person all together or go to some remote island where nobody knows me. So I can just run away Ah! a girl can only dream.
And to be honest I really don’t know how everything started I used to be a good girl happy and simple and as I grow older I tend to be blinded by my own ambitions, I try to reach things that I really can’t reach.
I always tell myself I am a grown woman and I can make my own decisions in life but when everything else fails I go back to where I started “my mother” I hide behind her over and over again.
And it very embarrassing that a 27-year-old woman who is very much capable of doing taking care of herself is still running behind her mama’s back.
With everything else that has happened to me over the course of 2 months it was terrible it was one blow after the other like a boxing match and everyday its something new, wherein im a freaking feather weight and im against a heavy weight isn’t that a little odd? im at the point of giving up lets just say im on the edge and almost did something stupid. I was staring blankly at the bathroom tiles for 2 hours I was gonna do it but managed to gather up some little strength I have left not to do it, I realized it was not worth it at all I gotta keep fighting.
A couple of days past after the bathroom incident I needed something to get me past this surprisingly a really good friend messaged me probably she can’t sleep or something but when she asked me how i was I automatically said im not okay and then I started talking about how I feel, the bathroom incident, the self destructiveness and this was her exact words “I believe you can, you’re a strong person and the fact that you stood there for 2 hours and didn’t do anything proves to me that i am right, I know you are a fighter and you wont go down without a battle.” “Right now you’re at the part of your story where the hero is on his knees dripping in blood and injuries you just need to gather the courage to get back up” ” Bee you don’t know this but you are really strong, you pass on your strength to others too at least I know you have to me” Then as I write this and still talk to her im crying and this time not just any other cry but a cry that is pure, runny nose the works tears over flowing… If I can pass my strength to others then I know I would have enough strength to get thru this. Hopefully it will al work out.
It’s a volleyball match I will still be the captain, straight sets, jumping high, digging deep and hitting hard.
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